Saturday morning things began to go downhill.
Phillip and I were in Breckenridge on a ski vacation with a friend of ours. We arrived in town on Thursday and had a gorgeous day of skiing Friday.
View just after arrival. Breckenridge is the most adorable Colorado ski town you can imagine.
View from our condo on the morning of ski day one.
I felt great. I hadn’t skied in ten years, but things came back smoothly. I was gliding down the mountain enjoying gorgeous scenery.
All ready to go!
I even took one last lift trip after the boys had quit for the day, just to say I did it. Yes, I love to be the tough girl.
Beautiful day to ski. (And to be pain free.)
At the end of the day, I was sore, but mainly in my legs which had discovered muscles I didn’t know existed.
Then Saturday.
The mattress we were sleeping on was soft, too soft, and I’m sure being on my feet all day Friday coupled with the mattress started to set things off.
The muscles in my back, just below my shoulder blade on the left side felt fatigued, and I was shot into high alert. Not in pain yet, but overly cautious that I might be soon.
Every six-ish months since I was thirteen, I’ve gotten severe back pain. If my muscles get too fatigued or surprised they will devolve into ridiculously painful spasms. During an “episode” it feels like I’m getting stabbed in the back every few seconds.
We were scheduled to ski again on Sunday, so I decided to nip things in the bud before the spasms started. I took some prescription pain meds I keep on hand for emergencies like this and relaxed all morning long.
I was hyper aware of my back, but it didn’t fully go out…well, until Sunday.
I really thought I was in the clear when I awoke Sunday morning, but during breakfast our friend asked how my back was and just as I said, “OK!” the first spasm shot through.
Pain is a bully. It makes you feel so small and helpless.
I was devastated. I wanted to ski. I wanted to feel great. I did not want pain to stop me, so I didn’t let it.
I took a dose of pain killers and hoped that in thirty-or-so minutes I’d be back loving life. Not so.
For the pain killer to really work I have to allow it to do its thing by relaxing, not getting up on two skis nine-plus thousand feet above sea level.
My fate was sealed; I was going to be in pain, all day long.
Over the years, I’ve realized that pain can go two ways. You can give into it and have it become unbearable, or you can stay present with it and keep it manageable.
They key is to keep your mind focused on what is currently happening, thoughts of worry and ‘what if’ will only make pain stronger.
If you can relax, you can hold things together.
I did pretty good for the first half of Sunday. The meds helped me relax, and when I was actually flying down the mountain, concentrating to stay upright, the pain was minimal.
The second half of Sunday, the meds had worn off. I had to work harder to manage my thoughts and keep things calm.
Yet, by 3:30 p.m. things devolved. A storm had descended on the mountain. The temp dropped and snow was falling fast.
Winter storm and pain have descended.
I could no longer hold it together. I needed to get off that mountain and into a hot shower fast.
I am so blessed with a husband who understands. Phillip met me at the lodge and didn’t take my quiet crankiness personally. He carried my gear back to the rental place so that I could get some heat on my back and start relaxing.
Store was sold out of heating pads, making my own with the fire.
I hate to be the party-pooper. I so want to be a trooper: the strong one who can handle anything. But sometimes, you’re body just won’t allow it.
Over the next two days, as our trip came to a close, my back was not a happy camper. I had to be patient and ask for what I needed: hot bath, massage, lying very still and quiet.
I loved our trip but am very happy to be home.
Everything is calm now. My confidence that I’m past this latest back pain episode continues to grow. I’m focused less on what is going on with my back and more on other things, as life should be.
Each time I deal with back pain, I become fascinated by how the mind is connected to the intensity of pain.
If I focus on, “this really hurts,” then it really hurts. If I focus on, “I feel calm,” then that predominates.
Thoughts really do dictate our experience of life. Though this insight is important, it is not what pain teaches.
Here’s the real lesson:
Pain teaches that we need to have compassion for whatever our current experience is.
If our experience is coping well with pain, as I did during the first portion of Sunday, that’s great. If our experience is frustration and worry, the attitude my Sunday ended with, then we cope with that.
We always do the best with the strength we have at any given moment.
No, I didn’t let the pain bully stop me from skiing and enjoying my vacation. Over the two days on the mountain, I skied more than 5 miles and 28,000 vertical feet.
I did learn once again, that sometimes I can push, but I will always need to rest later.
And now I rest.
What does pain teach you?