Illness requires us to let go of a lot of things. I sometimes think it’s a spiritual quest toward non-attachment. Priorities become clearer as we need to clear our plates to allow for healing.
I had to let go of two things today. I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow where we are going to select the date of the kidney transplant. I know that it will be before the end of this year.
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My function is at 8% and I’m feeling tired. Not all the time, but especially on exertion (walking stairs, doing laundry, hauling luggage through airports,…)
I sensed it was time to begin scaling back.
I had been volunteering at the Sacramento Crisis Nursery a few hours each week. It is an awesome time of hanging out with 0 to 5 year-olds. We play, read, color, have snack, sing and wipe noses, lots of noses. I got sick after my very first time volunteering, and I learned my lesson. I now go with my hair pulled back and am fanatical about washing my hands and hand sanitizer. I also change my clothing as soon as I get home. I have, fortunately, avoided a cold sense then.
I knew that once I had the transplant, I’d need to conclude my volunteer service there. Being immune suppressed around a room full of germs is not a great idea. After talking with Phillip, we decided that I should probably stop now. The school year has begun and germs will start getting passed around. I can’t risk getting sick and needing antibiotics with the very little kidney function I have left. Today was my last day.
I had to let go.
The second thing I let go of was Jazzercise. I LOVE Jazzercise. It is a blast! I’ve been going for quite a while now and it’s awesome…just awesome. The music is great. The instructors are personable, motivating and super energetic. Dancing is one of my favorite pastimes. I had continued to go for a while even as my function declined. Jazzercise is a 60 minute fantastic high energy workout. I did all the moves, but noticed that my comfort level shifted to completely low-impact. Now that my anemia is worse, I’ve missed the last few weeks. I kept hoping that my energy would rebound and that I’d make it back to class. It’s not to be. I suspended my membership.
I’m looking forward to the day that my energy is back and I’m ready to dance again. I will still exercise. That’s always important. It’s just that my speed is more leisurely walking right now. I know that walking will be critical to recovering from surgery and my dogs sure do love that.
I had to let go. Temporarily.
In some ways it’s sad, in others, it’s relieving. That’s the thing about illness, it tends to be all the emotions, all jumbled together. Of course I know that volunteering and Jazzercise are VERY small potatoes compared to some of the things illness can ask us to give up: mobility, careers, pregnancy, longevity, mental clarity, etc… They were just small reminders for me that scaling back and protecting our health is important. In each moment, all we can do is make the best decision we can to honor our values, our body and our family in each moment.